Teen Parenting Skills Offered By Psychiatrist And Co-Author SuEllen Hamkins

"The only thing worse than hearing the pernicious refrain, 'She loves you now, but just wait till she's a teenager,' is the day your adolescent girl screams 'I hate you!' and slams her bedroom door in your face."

So begins the book, “The Mother-Daughter Project: How Mothers and Daughters Can Band Together, Beat the Odds, and Thrive Through Adolescence,” co-written by SuEllen Hamkins, M.D., and Renée Schultz, M.A. The authors both mothers themselves found creating mother-daughter groups lets girls see their mothers in new ways, helps nurture both mother and daughter through the teenage years, and helped their own daughters grow into confident — yet still connected — teenagers.
Following are some parenting skills for that particularly difficult time, the 13-year old teenager, offered by Psychiatrist SuEllen Hamkins, co-author of “The Mother-Daughter Project Book."

"Is your 13-year-old daughter going through full-fledged teenage aches: Does she act as if she 'hates your guts.' How do you connect with her when all she wants to do is be online or on the phone with her friends or at her friends' houses. If so, you are in the thick of the hard work of mothering. You can orient yourself in difficult times by asking three questions:"

"What do I need?
"What does she need?
"What does our relationship need? "

"Begin with yourself. What would help sustain you through this rough patch? Who makes you feel good about yourself as a mother? Who is most certain of how much your daughter needs and loves you—-your partner, a friend, your therapist, your mother? Talk to them—-daily if need be."
Be incredibly nice to yourself! Parenting a teen is exhausting! Fill your own well—-take a personal day from work, return to a favorite pre-mothering passion. Have fun with your own friends. Go away for the weekend. And remember, this too shall pass. "
"Now focus on her. Thirteen is a tender age, full of exciting opportunities, bravado and deep uncertainty. Your daughter is trying to grow up the best way she knows how. She acts hatefully to one of the people she loves most in the world (you) because at those times she is in pain and doesn't know what to do about it. Don't take it personally. When she is rude to you, assume that something important is bothering her, even if you don't know what it is. Calmly say, "Please speak to me in a respectful way,"—-she hears this, even if she pretends not to. Then make her some iced tea or whatever she would welcome. Doing so will help her feel that you understand what she is dealing with, which sets the stage for her to trust that she can share her concerns. "
"In the meantime, keep your eyes and ears open for hints as to what is upsetting her—-friends, her body, sex, school. Staying connected with her through adolescence means making space in your heart and in your house for her friends. Making friends is one of your daughter's most important developmental tasks right now, and feeling even momentarily left-out can be unbearable. Get to know her friends—they will be honored by your interest. Create opportunities for her to connect with them. Invite a group of mothers and daughters to do something fun together. Share the planning with the girls, so they feel a sense of ownership and pride in taking on responsibility. Look for opportunities for one-to-one connections. Give her a foot massage, watch a video, or just be in the same part of the house, available but not intrusive. Move the computer she uses to a room where you spend a lot of time. Your non-judgmental presence is very comforting to her. You're her mom and she loves you. "



Patricia

For more information about this book,
click here for Amazon.com link:

The Mother-Daughter Project:
How Mothers and Daughters Can Band Together,
Beat the Odds, and Thrive Through Adolescence