Whoop Whoop Giggle and Thoroughly Girly Sex

The incredibly sexy, sensual song, "Your Body Is A Wonderland," penned and performed by heartthrob John Meyer, was a nice cause some years ago for women to subtly dream and participate in three minutes (+ _) of perfect romance.

Heavy sigh. Wow, great moments of fantasy.

Uummm . . but for too many women, we are far from being a wonderland and it wasn't feeling as beautiful as it was parlayed to be. That love song was too exacting a fantasy for many women, and too oft we went inward in perusal of our bodies.

For young women who've had a baby, somehow our own bathroom mirrors were turning on us. Pointing, poking and prodding at body parts, we're projecting comparisons of our now post-baby and sometimes awaiting-other-baby body with that ensemble-perfect version of a female.

Or, thusly and hence, on the far other side, we older women are projecting from our younger, toned selves.

Speaking as a woman, it seems that being sarcastic is more a comfortable feeling for us in facing these comparisons. Because they are so true? Yikes! Affects of gravity, stretch marks, and even body parts that we don't want to claim.

I vividly recall an athletic, young friend, Mary* in her late twenties, pointing to unfamiliar and only just found, under-arm flab, blurting out to me, "Look At This!" She played with it. Flicking it with her two fingers, making it wobble-wobble-wobble and earnestly wanting an answer. "What is this, and where did it come from?” She exclaimed.

Lord forgive me, but I'm laughing as I write this, remembering Mary's young, stunned face.

To Mary and other women, mommies, etc., uum… well, it can be funny sometimes, sometimes inconvenient. I have to be careful, a body issue of mine is, when I sneeze not to pee. I've blamed it on my daughter for 28 years now.

Fact: being narcissistic isn't usually a female trait, if anything, we judge ourselves too harshly. We give and give to others. We knock ourselves constantly and few women that I know can really take a compliment. I think the shared stories of ‘guess what my body is doing now’ are a way of dealing with the change.

My generation's mothers and peers didn’t encourage us to think of our bodies preparing to enjoy being ‘cosmo girls,’ (although the 'cosmo girls' were certainly having more fun!). That was too ‘way out there,’ almost naughty, like boys looking at girly magazines.


But this is it, this is the thing. We need to get over it and on with it, we need to get fiesty and fired up - and yikes maybe we even need to get some fetishes - because I’ve got a secret for all of you. Men love women’s bodies - Men love YOUR bodies.

Secrets. Since we’re talking secrets, I can tell you about my sex shop story. OK, I was taken there by a girlfriend who blurted to me, as we opened the door of this never-before-entered phase of my life, “Relax. Enjoy this. Let's have fun being girls!"

“Relax,” I’m thinking, “I can’t even breathe and I may pee my pants! Do good girls go in here?”

It was one of the best things I've ever done in my life. I learned how to ‘whoop, whoop,’ giggle, and be thoroughly girly about sex.

Sex Confessions - Marie Claire Magazine ran an absolutely-right on article about things you hear (or wonder about) in a sex shop. An excerpt of that writing, "Confessions of a Sex Shop Sales Clerk," follows:

“ Ultimately, I became an ad hoc protector
of women. Like the time  a bearded book editor appeared.
 After gabbing about  the erotic-lit industry, he explained
a particularly ludicrous double-penetration scenario
he imagined  for his wife. He seemed  to treat sex as an event
strictly for his pleasure, which I found  particularly egregious.
I was sleep-deprived and blurted out, "Sir, what do your
wife's feet look like?" He paused. Then  stuttered. He had
no idea. I suggested  that for the next month, he  spend  a
weekly hour in bed with his wife without using 
his penis. Two  months  later, a thank-you note appeared to
 "the tall saleswoman who taught my husband
how to make love."

Gerk Alert - Ladies . . Ladies,  regarding having concerns about your body, you needn't. For the same reason we ridicule men for being 'gerks' we need to credit them for this . . and if you don't know this, its a big 'gerk-alert' for you. Men love your bodies in ways you just don't know. The two or three brain cells we credit them with include compatible amounts of testosterone (that wonderful sex hormone that stimulates development of men's sex organs and sexual thoughts) that makes our bodies - as they are - sexual wonderlands to them.

From this day on, USE this power. What you and I see as boobs that are unattractive (pancakes when we lay on our backs), are sexually provocative . . . ! I know - who would’a thought! It is hard to believe, but men love our bodies. While we are obsessing about things, there's a man around you that is totally loving looking at you. Hey, if there's a chance that you even remotely think you have a nice a**, show it. Men including our husbands hope for a peak of a ’shadow of a breast’ and try to stifle raging thoughts of you in a particular dress or skirt, which reveals your ‘assets in the below and between’ area. (I love this phrase, your 'Feminine Flower,' which is a sweet segue allowing me to delicately also say that those same men, would love to be able to enjoy your flower petals.) Frankly, ladies, you turn men on!

New Sheriff In Town - So, if you have little gremlins chasing around you at home, shake things up - there has got to be a ‘new sheriff in town’ around your home.

Relaxation / Pleasure Time - Figure out how to get some - you know - that special time that your husband cheerfully makes available to you, that is, once Mr. Wonderful (your husband, remember) 'gets' your new agenda. He’ll start fending off the grabbing gremlins, when asked in your newly found, sensual, soft-spoken voice,

"Sweetest Man In The World, could you prepare me a bubble bath."

In time, he’ll even light your favorite scented candle, and lay out a crisp white Turkish cotton terry robe, which you can replace later with a sweet looking negligee, in reward for his hog-tying and bed-nighting the children.

Maybe you'll need help getting your man started in this new adventure, and there may be a setback or two; but take ownership, you’re the new sheriff in town, your body turns your man on.

Chill about the old visions of you. In fact, warm it up and play with it. Enjoy your sexual being as it is today and even on those nights when you are tired and body-comatose, remember your body is a wonderland to your man. With time you‘ll enjoy moments of new energy from the natural consequences of the two of you together snarking moments of great sex.